Man, sometimes practicing self-love is really fucking hard. Yesterday I woke up to my 5:10am alarm to go to spinning, and I immediately felt the tight sensation of anxiety in my chest. I felt exhausted. I took a pause and asked myself whether I would feel better or worse if I went to spinning (sometimes imagining how I will feel after class is enough to get me out of bed). After a minute or two I came to the conclusion that what I really needed to do was to lie on the couch and breath, allowing all of the feelings I’d been compartmentalizing in my heart to come out to play.
It wasn’t fun. But it’s exactly what I needed to do. Eventually I took some deep breaths and asked myself what I actually felt like doing, instead of what I thought I should be doing or “needed” to be doing. I ended up making some art, which gave me an activity that was both enjoyable and meditative, something I need when my feelings are too intense to simply sit with during meditation. I ended up binge eating that night, but I was able to apply enough self-awareness to the situation surrounding why I did it to say, welp, shit happens, I’ll try to give myself even more love and support tomorrow. And it’s been a pretty lovely day so far.
I came back to this post this morning after writing it and leaving it in my drafts. I was looking at my calendar thinking I should schedule myself a massage because I’ve been stressed and sick and sore lately- I caught myself feeling anxious about picking a day to schedule the massage for in case I didn’t actually feel like getting a massage that day, or wanted to be somewhere else before or after. Ironically that was a great reminder to myself that the main pathway out of my anxiety is by breathing and living in the present. I’ll continue letting my inner planner and my inner buddhist duke it out as they strive for balance. In the meantime, I’ll be heading to Onsen to enjoy Lina’s last morning here (for this visit), to soak it out and take some deep breaths.